i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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