I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
