Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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