Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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