seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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