yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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