as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
