Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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