So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
