he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
