We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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