This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
