if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He did a backflip because drugs
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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