hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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