My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
