Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
