So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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