I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
