I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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