I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
