Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
