your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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