Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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