I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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