11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
