I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
