I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
