either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
