hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
