I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
