No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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