im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
