Jerry, you need to find god
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
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im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
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I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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