well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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