Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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