Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
