Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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