Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
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He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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