The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
