I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
