Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
