You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
