Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
