so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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