im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
