My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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