I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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