anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
