Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
