The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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