She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
