The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
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my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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