I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
