it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
