Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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