I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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