I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
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Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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